And I'm proud of it. It took me almost 30 years to embrace that about myself and another several to actually become proud of it. I like to read fantasy novels, love singing Broadway show tunes, watch science fiction movies...the list goes on. The only "nerdy" thing I think I don't do is play video games and that's simply because hand/eye coordination does not exist in my world.
I'm noticing that my nerd genes have managed to pass on to the next generation. (I'm so sorry, honey!) Easter is coming soon, and so, to celebrate, I have been indulging in my own personal "Lent" and wearing out my CD of Jesus Christ Superstar. I didn't realize how much I was listening/singing to it until I was doing dishes the other night and my son (who likes to play in the kitchen while I'm in there) was sitting on the floor, crashing trucks into each other, singing one of the songs! Of course it was a totally inappropriate song for a 3 year old to be singing, but my heart swelled with pride! And then again today, not learning my lesson from the other day, we're listening to the same CD again and he tells me, "Mommy, this song is in the movie I just watched at my Aunt's house." So, nerdity is apparently genetic...thanks, sis!
I put this out there not to revel in my weirdness, but because it is who I am. I am willing to embrace a part of myself that I hid away and tried to deny for many years out of shame and insecurity. Once, several years ago, one of my best friends told me that she and our other circle of friends thought I was the one in our group with the strongest sense of self, the least insecure. I laughed at her, but didn't explain why-that I hid all the parts I didn't deem "suitable" from everyone I knew at the time. I was so desperate to be accepted that I didn't think I would be "worthy" if I showed my true self. Fortunately, these were good friends, and when I finally decided to stop hiding, still loved me and accepted me for the person I really am.
I find myself from time to time, slipping back into that person I was: insecure, unsure, afraid. It's a habit, like biting your nails or playing with your hair. I don't even notice it at first, but then, I do. I have to consciously pull myself back into the life I've built for myself and move forward as the confident, beautiful, strong, nerd that I can truly be! It's not always easy, and sometimes I cringe as some sort of nerd-ness comes out of my mouth, but then I push my glasses back up my nose and rip off my Clark Kent disguise and remember who I really am.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
And so it goes...
I'm officially back in the groove. Spring break is over and it's back to class with all it entails. Homework, lectures, papers, and so on. It's the second half of the semester and apparently the first half was just for pretend, because all of my professors seem to think that we haven't been doing much yet!
I don't know if it's because I'm older now, if I just have more responsibilities, or a combination of the two, but I really don't know how I did it the first time around! Back then I took a full load of classes, and worked two jobs, albeit part time for each. Now I work part time (only one job, though), take a full load of classes, and raise one child. My house needs cleaning, the dishwasher needs to be emptied, laundry is piling up,I have about 900 hours of homework, and the bathrooms are quickly becoming a hazmat site. Yet, here I sit, on the computer, eating my guilt for dinner and trying to unwind.
It's a delicate balancing act and in one week I've forgotten how to keep all my balls in the air. I know that sounds kind of disturbing, but I really just mean it as a juggling metaphor... So, instead, I've opted to write and watch Conan. There's nothing quite like procrastination to really make your guilt multiply by the dozens.
Speaking of guilt, have I mentioned that I'm Catholic yet? No one quite gets guilt the same way as us Catholics do, except maybe for Jewish mothers. I mean that simply there is no way for me to avoid guilt completely, so I do the best I can to minimize it. Usually this involves expectations I assume that others have for me and trying to live up to them before they realize they are supposed to be expecting something. Unfortunately, this usually falls onto my husband's shoulders. He often suffers for my resentment of being expected to do something he never really cared if I did or not. He's pretty good about letting me know what he would like to get accomplished but I constantly assume (you know what they say about that-and I am an ass!) that there are things I'm not doing he would like handled.
I must be getting tired, I'm starting to ramble. I'm going to wrap this up and promise to try to stay more on point in the future. Stick with me, I'll get the hang of this sooner or later!
I don't know if it's because I'm older now, if I just have more responsibilities, or a combination of the two, but I really don't know how I did it the first time around! Back then I took a full load of classes, and worked two jobs, albeit part time for each. Now I work part time (only one job, though), take a full load of classes, and raise one child. My house needs cleaning, the dishwasher needs to be emptied, laundry is piling up,I have about 900 hours of homework, and the bathrooms are quickly becoming a hazmat site. Yet, here I sit, on the computer, eating my guilt for dinner and trying to unwind.
It's a delicate balancing act and in one week I've forgotten how to keep all my balls in the air. I know that sounds kind of disturbing, but I really just mean it as a juggling metaphor... So, instead, I've opted to write and watch Conan. There's nothing quite like procrastination to really make your guilt multiply by the dozens.
Speaking of guilt, have I mentioned that I'm Catholic yet? No one quite gets guilt the same way as us Catholics do, except maybe for Jewish mothers. I mean that simply there is no way for me to avoid guilt completely, so I do the best I can to minimize it. Usually this involves expectations I assume that others have for me and trying to live up to them before they realize they are supposed to be expecting something. Unfortunately, this usually falls onto my husband's shoulders. He often suffers for my resentment of being expected to do something he never really cared if I did or not. He's pretty good about letting me know what he would like to get accomplished but I constantly assume (you know what they say about that-and I am an ass!) that there are things I'm not doing he would like handled.
I must be getting tired, I'm starting to ramble. I'm going to wrap this up and promise to try to stay more on point in the future. Stick with me, I'll get the hang of this sooner or later!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Beginnings...
Everyone has a blog, so why not me? I'm not usually the type to jump on a bandwagon or get something just because everyone else has it. I don't have an iphone, or an ipad. I got a smartphone so I could put games on it for my son, I really only know how to text and call from it-I can't even use it to get online (well, except for Facebook, I can't go without my mulitple times daily Facebook fix)!
But, a blog, really? I like to think of myself as a writer, although the last thing I wrote that I can remember finishing was in high school. I like to start things, but never get very far. Actually, that applies to a lot of things in my life. I'm really good at starting things. I get very excited and put all of my energy into whatever it is: scrapbooking, making jewelry, knitting, crocheting, stamp collecting... OK, I've never tried stamp collecting, but I'm sure that I'd be very excited by it for at least a week or so. My point is, I think this is a natural progression for me and I hope that I can actually follow through on it. I'm trying to change that about myself. I actually went back to school this semester after almost (but not quite!) 15 years. It's time to finish those things I start.
I've actually started a few of these over the years. (See? I told you!) They've sputtered out after a couple of posts. I think I try too hard. I put way too much pressure onto them and consequently, myself. They need to be the best, most well-written, flawless, beautiful pieces of blog-etry that have ever been published. No wonder they never live up to my standards. I am far from flawless. I don't expect perfection from those around me, but I do for myself, and, therein lies the rub.
So, here we go again! I'm on a wave-tossed ship trying to navigate a stormy sea, and hopefully can put it in perspective and get a little laugh out of it by sharing it here. It's not always pretty and I'm not 100% sure where I'll end up, but the ride is definitely worth it and there's always room for a few extra passengers.
"If that were all, I would stop here where we are now, and let her fade away into peace..." from Dracula
But, a blog, really? I like to think of myself as a writer, although the last thing I wrote that I can remember finishing was in high school. I like to start things, but never get very far. Actually, that applies to a lot of things in my life. I'm really good at starting things. I get very excited and put all of my energy into whatever it is: scrapbooking, making jewelry, knitting, crocheting, stamp collecting... OK, I've never tried stamp collecting, but I'm sure that I'd be very excited by it for at least a week or so. My point is, I think this is a natural progression for me and I hope that I can actually follow through on it. I'm trying to change that about myself. I actually went back to school this semester after almost (but not quite!) 15 years. It's time to finish those things I start.
I've actually started a few of these over the years. (See? I told you!) They've sputtered out after a couple of posts. I think I try too hard. I put way too much pressure onto them and consequently, myself. They need to be the best, most well-written, flawless, beautiful pieces of blog-etry that have ever been published. No wonder they never live up to my standards. I am far from flawless. I don't expect perfection from those around me, but I do for myself, and, therein lies the rub.
So, here we go again! I'm on a wave-tossed ship trying to navigate a stormy sea, and hopefully can put it in perspective and get a little laugh out of it by sharing it here. It's not always pretty and I'm not 100% sure where I'll end up, but the ride is definitely worth it and there's always room for a few extra passengers.
"If that were all, I would stop here where we are now, and let her fade away into peace..." from Dracula
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)