The Fear is Real

I'm scared. I'm afraid all the time. I never planned on doing this alone and I'm so terrified I will screw it up. Some days, I just want to give in and stop fighting, but if I do, it's not me who will suffer. How can one person be expected to do the job of two and still be good at it? Some days I think the terror will overwhelm me.

I get out of bed. I pour cereal. I comb hair and brush teeth, do dishes, make dinner, and try to remember to laugh. I try to remember that he doesn't understand all of this and still needs to be able to be a silly child. He still has to dawdle while getting ready for school and find one hundred other things to focus on instead of washing his hair in the bathtub. He shouldn't know about this huge weight I carry that often feels as if it's crushing me. That's not his problem.

I try not to dwell on the anger; the other person who was supposed to be here but isn't. I try to be grateful that he left me this precious life and the insanity is gone. I remind myself that as hard as this is, it was worse before. Before I got the strength to say' "Enough". That was a different kind of weight I carried, and it WAS crushing me. The weight I carry now strengthens me.

I can do this. I am not truly alone. There are people who love and support me through this and are willing to help if I can ask. From under this massive burden I carry daily, I need not be afraid to make my voice heard and speak up for myself and my son.

I have every reason to succeed and no room for failure. He's counting on me to do this right and I can't let him down. This fear I carry with me drives me forward and, hopefully, someday, I can find a way to leave it behind.

Buried Treasure

It makes me sad to look into those eyes and know that you don’t look into them every chance you get. I made a choice that they should belong to me, but that I’d share. You agreed. I still felt guilty and cruel. And, now, every time you don’t show up to see those eyes light up at the sight of you, I remember why I made that choice. Those eyes aren’t valuable to you.

They’re valuable because they cost you money. Money you don’t have, I know. They’re valuable because they mean that you’re someone special to at least one person on this earth. They’re valuable because you think they’re a guarantee that you will never be alone. They’re valuable because they make you feel important. But, if you don’t protect your valuables, they tarnish and fade. Every time you don’t come to check on your most prized treasure, his awe and wonder of you chip away just a little bit more. Eventually, there will be nothing left. Obligation will be the last to go, but that will wear away as well.

You know what this is like. You’ve been there before. You swore you didn’t want to repeat the mistakes that were made in your life-that your joy deserves better than you had. I know it’s hard to change the way you think. I know it’s hard to change the way you feel. For the sake of your treasure, you had better. Because lost treasure is always found, and something that valuable will be recognized for what it is, priceless. And, once something has been recognized as priceless, an occasional glance or polish will not be enough to make it shine. Those jewel eyes won’t light up at the mere sight of you anymore. Those eyes will sparkle for me forever, because I know how beautiful they are already. And, you won’t realize it until it’s too late.