Writer's Block

I don't know what to write. For weeks now, I put something on the screen and then slowly back out each letter until I stare at a blank page again. They say the best cure is to just keep writing, so that's what I'll try today. I don't have a set topic. I'm tired of hurt and pain and bitterness. I want something new and fun and exciting. There will be time for that. There is no rush. Focus on healing and new will come when the time is right.

My cat sits next to me. He is purring. Funny how loud it is in the quiet room. He likes to be close, he'd sleep on my head if I'd let him, but he gets repeatedly pushed back down to my legs. I think we're both happier with that position for the endless nights.

I want something. I'm not sure what. There's a gaping in my psyche and I need to fill it. I keep reading. Maybe I'll come across that novel that fills the void, or maybe if I keep writing it will fill up. I don't know. This helps. I just want to feel full again.

For years I spent every day doubting my life. I wouldn't experience it because I knew it was fleeting. Everything was balanced on a wire and at any moment the wire could break and it would all come crashing down. I lived in four different homes and never felt like any of them were permanent. I didn't want to hang pictures or paint walls because I didn't feel like we'd be there for very long. Do you know what it's like to not feel at home in your own home? Maybe that's why I feel lost-the balancing act is over. Life is what is in front of me and the only saboteur is me. The worry is gone...

I don't feel well. I think I'm getting sick. I hope not, but there's definitely something happening in my sinuses and ears. My throat hurts. A good night's sleep should help, and some Alka-Seltzer cold.

It's too cold outside. I wish I was back in LA where it's 75 and sunny. I hate winter. Sometimes I wonder why I felt so strongly about coming back. I knew that I'd have to deal with snow and sub-zero temperatures. Why would I voluntarily subject myself to this?

I'm going to bed now. This has been an interesting experiment-I may have to try it again.

I told you so.

How dare you? After months of begging, crying, screaming, sobbing, talking, kicking, screaming, trying, and more tears to try to get you to see what was in front of your face-NOW you have the audacity to tell me you realize it? I spent two months unable to eat because I was so upset everything that went into my mouth came back up immediately. I cried myself to sleep for two weeks straight. Other nights I couldn’t sleep at all with all the horrible thoughts going through my mind. I told you the grass isn’t greener over there, you just forgot to water the lawn right here in front of you. How dare you turn around now and expect that lawn is just waiting for your bare feet to shuffle through it again? 

You think this is just about infidelity. You think this is just about that other person. I’m here to tell you that’s the least of your worries, BUT, I refuse to continue this conversation any further while you still lie next to that one every night. There is no conversation. There is no “sorry”. There are no second thoughts while someone else holds your hand. Sorry, I’m not sorry.  

You miss your family? I told you that you would. This was not a decision to take lightly, but you walked out of the counseling session that last time because it was just too hard. I wanted a few things and you thought those requests were unreasonable. Sobriety and a job were beyond your scope. That’s fine, but don’t tell me now that sobriety is creeping into your life that you’ve suddenly realized the things that you so strongly denied. Do you remember how you called me names? Do you remember telling me what an awful, ungrateful spouse I was? Do you remember telling me that if I gave you an ultimatum that you would leave and I would be sorry? I dared to do it and it was the right decision for me and our child.  

I will not go back there. You can figure out how to live without us. I have been trying to figure it out for months now. It’s your turn. Good luck!