This morning my son was singing with his class at church. He was a little nervous to be singing in front of the whole congregation, but decided it wouldn't be too bad since all his friends were going to sing with him, too. We woke up to a dreary day and as we walked out to the car to leave, realized that it was sleeting. (Is that really a word? It is now.) There was not a lot of conversation in the car on the way due to nerves for the big event, until he observed the "colka-dots" on the windshield from the weather. When we turned the corner, the snow/sleet/nightmare falling from the sky began to hit us head-on and I received a warning from the back seat, "Be careful, now it's coming at us. It's like an ambush of snow out there!"
I couldn't help laughing, which made him laugh. I could see the tension ease in his shoulders as he stopped thinking about his big event and focused on the snow falling on the windows. For a minute I forgot to worry about whether his dad would show up like he promised or sleep in like he's done on so many Sundays in our life. It was only moments, but we were both thinking of being ambushed by snow-I can only imagine what he was thinking. For me, I imagined walking down a street and turning a corner. As I continued down the street, I noticed a large (very large, like human-sized) rock and began to walk in the direction of it to go around. Suddenly, out jumped a guy dressed in military clothes, only all white, and aimed a bazooka at me and fired, covering me in snow!! It was enough of a visual to put a smile on my face-at least until we got to church.
The choir went well, he seemed to enjoy being up there. I'm not sure if he enjoyed sitting with his friends and playing around more than singing, but at least he wasn't afraid to get up and do it. His dad showed up, late, but better than not at all. I saw our son's face when he got there and it made all the anxiety leading up to it worthwhile, because he was thrilled. They went out for breakfast after and got to spend some time together, which is as it should be. I wish that I had more confidence that it would occur regularly, or without major trauma to someone, but someday maybe that won't be the case. For now, my boy gets to spend some time with his dad. He was excited and I think his dad was too. I'll keep hoping for the best, and waiting to see if I get ambushed by snow.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Routine
It's hard to start anew. I love the idea of New Year's and starting fresh, but I never do. I wait a few weeks for the craziness of the holidays to die down before I try to make any big changes. I've found, that if I do this, the changes don't get packed up with the holiday decorations, but actually start to become integrated into my daily life.
So, beginning this week, I'm getting up early to try to write-just a little bit-every day. I'm sure some days I will have more to say than on others, but at least I'm getting something out every day! Maybe this will become my norm, and then I might be able to justify calling myself a "writer". Maybe I'll get lazy and start sleeping in again, and then I can call myself "sleepy". I've realized it's futile to try to plan an outcome, because you never know what might change that outcome. It's quite acceptable, and even necessary, though, to start out doing what you think might give you a specific outcome, and see if it gets you anywhere close!
That being said, today I did what I said I wanted to do. Tomorrow is another day, and then the next. I'll wait and see where they lead and keep doing what I need to do to get where I want to be...
So, beginning this week, I'm getting up early to try to write-just a little bit-every day. I'm sure some days I will have more to say than on others, but at least I'm getting something out every day! Maybe this will become my norm, and then I might be able to justify calling myself a "writer". Maybe I'll get lazy and start sleeping in again, and then I can call myself "sleepy". I've realized it's futile to try to plan an outcome, because you never know what might change that outcome. It's quite acceptable, and even necessary, though, to start out doing what you think might give you a specific outcome, and see if it gets you anywhere close!
That being said, today I did what I said I wanted to do. Tomorrow is another day, and then the next. I'll wait and see where they lead and keep doing what I need to do to get where I want to be...
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Five Minutes
It took all of 5 minutes to obliterate the validity of 15 years of my life. It took 5 minutes for him to sign the final papers and allow me to submit them and file for divorce. He didn't hesitate over ending our marriage, or the loss of his best friend (that we've addressed each other as for many years). His only hesitation was that by signing without his lawyer present, that I could "screw him over" later if I want to. If there was anything left of my heart, it broke right then and there.
Our relationship stayed the same over the many years we were together, it was me that changed. When we met, we were young, and what I wanted out of life was much different than what I want now. I always put more into the relationship than I got out of it, but it didn't matter until I became a mother. I know from his perspective that's not true, but I also know that my perspective is more closely aligned with what would be considered the "norm". The night I went into labor with our son, my water broke and the doctor arrived about 10pm. Just before midnight, we realized that the umbilical cord was compressed and I had to lie still on the hospital bed to keep the baby's heart rate steady. I couldn't get up and walk around or do any of the usual things they suggest to speed the delivery along. I was terrified. I cried for hours. I prayed that I would get to meet my baby. My husband slept-for almost 10 hours. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted them to wake him up, but I knew he'd just be cranky and make my anxiety worse, so I told them no. I watched them shake their heads and look at me sadly when they thought I wasn't looking.
I spent 4 years trying to convince myself that it wasn't true. I wanted to believe that my husband loved his growing family as much as he said he did. Time and again I saw that it wasn't true, but I ignored it. When I went back to school to give myself a better edge when I returned to the job market, I couldn't ignore it any more. He resented me. My attention was now divided in even smaller bits and he couldn't be my whole world any more. Those last 2 years were the hardest, because I knew it was happening, but the choice was distilled into the simplest terms for me: him or me. I chose my son and our future and watched the unraveling of our marriage and the loss of my best friend. It was excruciating. I thought it couldn't get any worse. Until these last 5 minutes. Because now it's done, the choice is made, and my heart is so broken I don't know if it will ever mend. Up until the last second, I was hoping he'd see what I've hoped for so long-that you have to change and grow or you will decay and wither.
Our relationship stayed the same over the many years we were together, it was me that changed. When we met, we were young, and what I wanted out of life was much different than what I want now. I always put more into the relationship than I got out of it, but it didn't matter until I became a mother. I know from his perspective that's not true, but I also know that my perspective is more closely aligned with what would be considered the "norm". The night I went into labor with our son, my water broke and the doctor arrived about 10pm. Just before midnight, we realized that the umbilical cord was compressed and I had to lie still on the hospital bed to keep the baby's heart rate steady. I couldn't get up and walk around or do any of the usual things they suggest to speed the delivery along. I was terrified. I cried for hours. I prayed that I would get to meet my baby. My husband slept-for almost 10 hours. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted them to wake him up, but I knew he'd just be cranky and make my anxiety worse, so I told them no. I watched them shake their heads and look at me sadly when they thought I wasn't looking.
I spent 4 years trying to convince myself that it wasn't true. I wanted to believe that my husband loved his growing family as much as he said he did. Time and again I saw that it wasn't true, but I ignored it. When I went back to school to give myself a better edge when I returned to the job market, I couldn't ignore it any more. He resented me. My attention was now divided in even smaller bits and he couldn't be my whole world any more. Those last 2 years were the hardest, because I knew it was happening, but the choice was distilled into the simplest terms for me: him or me. I chose my son and our future and watched the unraveling of our marriage and the loss of my best friend. It was excruciating. I thought it couldn't get any worse. Until these last 5 minutes. Because now it's done, the choice is made, and my heart is so broken I don't know if it will ever mend. Up until the last second, I was hoping he'd see what I've hoped for so long-that you have to change and grow or you will decay and wither.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Je suis Charlie
I never heard of Charlie Hebdo before this week. When I first heard the news, I panicked, "Oh my God, they shot the Prime Minister of France!! No wait, that's Sarkozy...isn't there a new guy now? Who the hell is Charlie Hebdo and why do terrorists want to kill him?"
My confusion sorted out, I started to think about this tragedy. This is about evil people not wanting their flaws brought to light. This is about someone who dared to speak up being silenced. This is about an unpopular opinion in certain groups being quieted. This is about open communication and free dialogue being eliminated. This is about someone's choice to consider a different opinion being taken away by force. This is tyranny through fear and malice. This is pure hatred.
This is not about Muslim versus Christian. This is not about Palestinian versus Jew. This is not about White versus Black. This is not about Big Business versus the Working Man. This is about silencing the voice that disagrees. This is about making your opinion the only one that matters. This is about capitulation through fear. That's why this is so awful. That's why this can't be allowed to be forgotten. That's why the people who perpetuated this awful act need to be brought to justice.
If there is no dissenting opinion, there is no dialogue. If there is no dialogue, there is no discussion. If there is no discussion, there is no understanding. And if there is no understanding, there is only oppression. I don't want to live in a world where I can't speak my mind-whether through satire or over coffee with my girlfriends. I don't want to be somewhere that open communication and free discussion are limited. I don't want to raise my son in a world where dissenting ideas are discouraged and feared. I want to learn from others who might have a varied perspective from mine or who have traveled a different path and have had different experiences. Just because you saw different flowers than I did on the path you chose, does not mean that the flowers I saw don't exist. And who can say which ones are prettier?
I never heard of Charlie Hebdo before this week, but now, I am Charlie. I stand with the brave men and women who weren't afraid to say what they believed and have now paid with their lives. I don't stand with them out of fear or out of pity, or out of outrage, I stand with them because I must. I stand with them because they weren't afraid to point out the flaws they found with other ideas and, right or wrong, opened the avenue of discourse to something they didn't understand. I stand with them because they took a stand. We should all be so brave to speak up when something doesn't seem right-and if we can do it with humor and a satiric wink, even better. Je suis Charlie, because I feel sorry for anyone who isn't.
My confusion sorted out, I started to think about this tragedy. This is about evil people not wanting their flaws brought to light. This is about someone who dared to speak up being silenced. This is about an unpopular opinion in certain groups being quieted. This is about open communication and free dialogue being eliminated. This is about someone's choice to consider a different opinion being taken away by force. This is tyranny through fear and malice. This is pure hatred.
This is not about Muslim versus Christian. This is not about Palestinian versus Jew. This is not about White versus Black. This is not about Big Business versus the Working Man. This is about silencing the voice that disagrees. This is about making your opinion the only one that matters. This is about capitulation through fear. That's why this is so awful. That's why this can't be allowed to be forgotten. That's why the people who perpetuated this awful act need to be brought to justice.
If there is no dissenting opinion, there is no dialogue. If there is no dialogue, there is no discussion. If there is no discussion, there is no understanding. And if there is no understanding, there is only oppression. I don't want to live in a world where I can't speak my mind-whether through satire or over coffee with my girlfriends. I don't want to be somewhere that open communication and free discussion are limited. I don't want to raise my son in a world where dissenting ideas are discouraged and feared. I want to learn from others who might have a varied perspective from mine or who have traveled a different path and have had different experiences. Just because you saw different flowers than I did on the path you chose, does not mean that the flowers I saw don't exist. And who can say which ones are prettier?
I never heard of Charlie Hebdo before this week, but now, I am Charlie. I stand with the brave men and women who weren't afraid to say what they believed and have now paid with their lives. I don't stand with them out of fear or out of pity, or out of outrage, I stand with them because I must. I stand with them because they weren't afraid to point out the flaws they found with other ideas and, right or wrong, opened the avenue of discourse to something they didn't understand. I stand with them because they took a stand. We should all be so brave to speak up when something doesn't seem right-and if we can do it with humor and a satiric wink, even better. Je suis Charlie, because I feel sorry for anyone who isn't.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Ennui
Today is the second snow day in a row and my son and I have been home alone. We've been living with my parents since the separation, and this is the first time in months that we haven't had anyone else around for a significant amount of time. I'd like to say that we made the most of it and had lots of quality bonding time, but, yeah, not quite.
We did make cookies; those pre-formed, slap on a cookie sheet and throw in the oven kind. And we did a craft-we cut out the cat mask on the back of the cookie box. Otherwise, I downloaded a few new games to my phone that he played while he watched TV for about a hundred hours. So much for mother of the year.
I set the bar high, so today is going to be a challenge. I don't know how I'm going to top the amazingness that was yesterday's adventures, but I have to try. I like my boy, he's funny and smart and notices EVERYTHING, but he's still only 6 and what is entertaining to a six-year old is never the same thing that is entertaining to a 30-something. No matter what we decide to do, one of us is bored all the time. I've gotten so used to having someone else available to help run interference when I've hit my limit and now I'm wondering what's going to happen to us when we move out on our own and it's just the two of us ALL THE TIME. Is my son doomed to be bored forever, or am I? Are we going to drive ourselves crazy?
I'll be glad when this cold front passes and he's back to school and I can get back into the routine we've created-at least until the school year ends and then I have a whole list of things to panic about again, the least of which will be moving and childcare. Fortunately, there's about 5 months for me to plan for that rude awakening!!
We did make cookies; those pre-formed, slap on a cookie sheet and throw in the oven kind. And we did a craft-we cut out the cat mask on the back of the cookie box. Otherwise, I downloaded a few new games to my phone that he played while he watched TV for about a hundred hours. So much for mother of the year.
I set the bar high, so today is going to be a challenge. I don't know how I'm going to top the amazingness that was yesterday's adventures, but I have to try. I like my boy, he's funny and smart and notices EVERYTHING, but he's still only 6 and what is entertaining to a six-year old is never the same thing that is entertaining to a 30-something. No matter what we decide to do, one of us is bored all the time. I've gotten so used to having someone else available to help run interference when I've hit my limit and now I'm wondering what's going to happen to us when we move out on our own and it's just the two of us ALL THE TIME. Is my son doomed to be bored forever, or am I? Are we going to drive ourselves crazy?
I'll be glad when this cold front passes and he's back to school and I can get back into the routine we've created-at least until the school year ends and then I have a whole list of things to panic about again, the least of which will be moving and childcare. Fortunately, there's about 5 months for me to plan for that rude awakening!!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Letting Go
That Dolly Parton song that Whitney Houston made famous is stuck in my head today. You know the one..."I Will Always Love You". It's always struck me as a sad song, a woman who's in love with a guy who just won't settle down. Lately, I've been re-examining a lot of things I thought I knew and as I ponder this particular tune, I find myself thinking of it differently.
I listen to these words as they wiggle around my head like a worm and I think of a woman who has loved someone deeply and passionately, but now realizes that she's been selling herself short. I don't think the man has refused to settle down with her, I think she realizes after some time that she's settled. As much as she may love him, they aren't getting what they need out of the relationship and that's why she leaves.
She would "be in his way" because they have ceased to grow. They are like two saplings, growing out of the ground together, but as they entwine around each other and grow taller and stouter they start to suffocate each other. The relationship stops being a symbiotic force for good and starts to become parasitic as they take the very things from each other that they need to thrive. I don't think leaving is an easy choice for her, but she knows that it's time and has accepted that it's the best thing for both of them.
She leaves with sadness for what she's losing, but with the knowledge that she will be better and stronger for it in the long run. She takes those first terrifying, critical first steps, and as she steps off the porch into her future, she realizes for the first time in a long time that she is free. She hasn't even realized that she's been caged, and suddenly she can spread her wings! It's not the liberating feeling she expected because the weight of sadness for what she's losing is still with her, but the ability to look forward with no limits is so unfamiliar and so appealing that the sadness feels like just another layer of this delicious new possibility. She knows she will carry the scars and the sweetness of this time along with her forever, but it's finally OK. She's finally able to stand on her own in a way she couldn't when wrapped up and entwined around the other sapling. To quote another song, "to every thing...there is a season", and her new season is about to start.
It's a sad song because any time something ends there is a sadness to it, but at the same time, there is a measure of hopefulness too. She wants what's best for him, but what's best for her, too, and knows that on their own, each of them will find it. It's a song about letting go of the past and looking towards the future. There is no road map and no specific destination, but the opportunity to take the journey is all that matters.
I listen to these words as they wiggle around my head like a worm and I think of a woman who has loved someone deeply and passionately, but now realizes that she's been selling herself short. I don't think the man has refused to settle down with her, I think she realizes after some time that she's settled. As much as she may love him, they aren't getting what they need out of the relationship and that's why she leaves.
She would "be in his way" because they have ceased to grow. They are like two saplings, growing out of the ground together, but as they entwine around each other and grow taller and stouter they start to suffocate each other. The relationship stops being a symbiotic force for good and starts to become parasitic as they take the very things from each other that they need to thrive. I don't think leaving is an easy choice for her, but she knows that it's time and has accepted that it's the best thing for both of them.
She leaves with sadness for what she's losing, but with the knowledge that she will be better and stronger for it in the long run. She takes those first terrifying, critical first steps, and as she steps off the porch into her future, she realizes for the first time in a long time that she is free. She hasn't even realized that she's been caged, and suddenly she can spread her wings! It's not the liberating feeling she expected because the weight of sadness for what she's losing is still with her, but the ability to look forward with no limits is so unfamiliar and so appealing that the sadness feels like just another layer of this delicious new possibility. She knows she will carry the scars and the sweetness of this time along with her forever, but it's finally OK. She's finally able to stand on her own in a way she couldn't when wrapped up and entwined around the other sapling. To quote another song, "to every thing...there is a season", and her new season is about to start.
It's a sad song because any time something ends there is a sadness to it, but at the same time, there is a measure of hopefulness too. She wants what's best for him, but what's best for her, too, and knows that on their own, each of them will find it. It's a song about letting go of the past and looking towards the future. There is no road map and no specific destination, but the opportunity to take the journey is all that matters.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Resolution
I'm not making New Year's resolutions this year. I'm coming to realize that they don't help me, they only give me an excuse to feel less than. I make a list of things to accomplish, then about February, when I haven't marked off the list according to some unspoken expectation, I get frustrated. The frustration leads to disappointment, and eventually to anger. I spend the remainder of the year angry at myself for not living up to these lofty goals I created for myself, never once considering how the circumstances of my life may or may not have affected these ideals that I created.
This year I'm not exempting myself from the need to improve or address areas I need to work on. I am a far from perfect human and am most definitely a work in progress! This year, though, I'm giving myself the opportunity to grow and change in a more natural environment. I have some ideas of where I would like to end up as 2015 draws to a close, and I'm going to allow myself to get there at my own pace and by whatever path seems most appealing. I know that it won't be pretty and many people will feel that I'm just blundering along, but this is my journey and I'm ready to enjoy the ride for a change and not spend so much time worrying about the destination.
This year I'm not exempting myself from the need to improve or address areas I need to work on. I am a far from perfect human and am most definitely a work in progress! This year, though, I'm giving myself the opportunity to grow and change in a more natural environment. I have some ideas of where I would like to end up as 2015 draws to a close, and I'm going to allow myself to get there at my own pace and by whatever path seems most appealing. I know that it won't be pretty and many people will feel that I'm just blundering along, but this is my journey and I'm ready to enjoy the ride for a change and not spend so much time worrying about the destination.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Looking Forward
I try to stay hopeful through all things. Even until the bitter end of our marriage, I had hope that my husband would finally grasp the things I'd been telling him. Watching his continued slide to the bottom after my departure, I've realized that when you are dealing with someone who is determined to destroy themselves, there is no hope left. So now, I am focusing on hope. Hope that I can build the life for two of us that I had always assumed would include three. Hope that I can heal the broken-ness I feel inside. Hope that someday I won't still feel incomplete after spending almost 15 years with another person to include in decisions and bounce ideas off of. Hope that sleeping alone will become the norm and not feel so unutterably lonely and isolated. Hope that as a single parent I can be all my son needs and more, without the partner I so desperately wanted on this journey. Hope that I can leave the anger and bitterness in the year now behind me so that I can move forward with openness, appreciation and joy.
I feel empowered now. For years I have been cowering in the hold of the Demeter, waiting to see if Dracula will find me, and then once found, how he would choose to use me. When I finally decided to disembark and get off the ship, I finally took control of my life, that is terrifying, but gives me strength at my core. I am in control of what happens to me, no longer am I waiting for the next shoe to drop and unravel all that has been worked for. I don't have to smooth the path for someone unable or unwilling to smooth it for himself. I don't have to deal with the fallout of poor decisions, unless I am the one who makes those decisions.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done, to look forward and not notice where I have been. Forward could mean anything, there's no way to know what it holds. But, then, Forward could mean anything, there's no way to know what it holds! It is up to me and me alone to make it into something positive-an adventure with no end in sight that I get to take and discover what I'm truly made of!
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