So, I'm a nerd

And I'm proud of it. It took me almost 30 years to embrace that about myself and another several to actually become proud of it. I like to read fantasy novels, love singing Broadway show tunes, watch science fiction movies...the list goes on. The only "nerdy" thing I think I don't do is play video games and that's simply because hand/eye coordination does not exist in my world.

I'm noticing that my nerd genes have managed to pass on to the next generation. (I'm so sorry, honey!) Easter is coming soon, and so, to celebrate, I have been indulging in my own personal "Lent" and wearing out my CD of Jesus Christ Superstar. I didn't realize how much I was listening/singing to it until I was doing dishes the other night and my son (who likes to play in the kitchen while I'm in there) was sitting on the floor, crashing trucks into each other, singing one of the songs! Of course it was a totally inappropriate song for a 3 year old to be singing, but my heart swelled with pride! And then again today, not learning my lesson from the other day, we're listening to the same CD again and he tells me, "Mommy, this song is in the movie I just watched at my Aunt's house." So, nerdity is apparently genetic...thanks, sis!

I put this out there not to revel in my weirdness, but because it is who I am. I am willing to embrace a part of myself that I hid away and tried to deny for many years out of shame and insecurity. Once, several years ago, one of my best friends told me that she and our other circle of friends thought I was the one in our group with the strongest sense of self, the least insecure. I laughed at her, but didn't explain why-that I hid all the parts I didn't deem "suitable" from everyone I knew at the time. I was so desperate to be accepted that I didn't think I would be "worthy" if I showed my true self. Fortunately, these were good friends, and when I finally decided to stop hiding, still loved me and accepted me for the person I really am.

I find myself from time to time, slipping back into that person I was: insecure, unsure, afraid. It's a habit, like biting your nails or playing with your hair. I don't even notice it at first, but then, I do. I have to consciously pull myself back into the life I've built for myself and move forward as the confident, beautiful, strong, nerd that I can truly be! It's not always easy, and sometimes I cringe as some sort of nerd-ness comes out of my mouth, but then I push my glasses back up my nose and rip off my Clark Kent disguise and remember who I really am.