I Was Afraid

            I was afraid then, afraid that if I didn’t follow the plan and the path before me I would disappoint someone. I was afraid that not taking that well-traveled road would lead to failure. I was afraid that if I marched to my own drummer that the music would disappear and I would be left lost and alone.

            I was afraid not to try. I was afraid of the regrets I would have if I didn’t spread my wings. I was afraid that I would wither and die in a life dictated for me by someone else. I was afraid that I would never get to know who I really am if I didn’t free myself from the chains of expectation.

            I was afraid that I would starve. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have a place to live. I was afraid that I couldn’t make it on what I had to offer. I chose to turn my back on that piece of me that I loved; that did things that made me afraid. I chose to follow, because following meant I didn’t have to worry about the fear.

            I was afraid that no one else would love me. I was afraid to walk away. I was afraid that I would disappoint someone. I was afraid I would ruin my child’s future. I was afraid that if I stayed, it would be ruined anyway. I was afraid I couldn’t make it on my own. I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough.

            I’m afraid that I’ll make a wrong choice. I’m afraid I still can’t be enough. I’m afraid that I’ve let my son down. I’m afraid I’ve let myself down. But, I’m tired of living in fear. I can’t keep living my life by making choices based on my fears. I am going to fail at some things, but I am going to fly, too. You can’t fly if you don’t jump off the cliff first, but jumping into nothing is terrifying. The key is to jump, but to trust in your wings. Don’t jump just because you’re afraid if you don’t, you might fall off; jump because you know that the view from the air is amazing.

            I’m afraid to move on. I’ve made bad choices and I might do it again. I’ve got someone counting on me this time. Failure is not an option, I’ve been there and I’m not going back. I want to see where this new road leads, but it is dark in the woods and I don’t have a flashlight. The trees are creepy in the dark and it’s scary. No one is ahead of me to lead the way, but the most important person is following me. I can’t lead him astray. I want to turn back, take the other path, the one that has lots of light and many feet have made the road easy to travel, but I am afraid of the fear that waits for me there, the fear that I have missed out on the best vistas because I didn’t take the overgrown path. The one less traveled calls to me.

            I stand here, perched on the cliff, terrified to fall. I am going to jump, but this time I want it to be for the right reasons. I can’t let fear rule my life, it is time to leap and leave the fear where it belongs, right on the edge of the cliff where it can fall into the abyss.

Hope

The last few years have been some of the darkest days of my life. At times, I was aware of how miserable I was, but at other times, I just kept going and didn't think about the downward spiral my life was taking. Looking back, I realize that I felt completely powerless to change the way things were going, and in addition, didn't have the desire to stop it, for it would take a strength I didn't feel any longer.

Once I made the decision to make a drastic change, I started to feel something inside myself. Even before I saw results begin to bloom, I felt a bud of hope within. I made a conscious effort to focus on the positive of every situation, and forcing myself to look for good has helped me to change my perspective. I'm a long way from Pollyanna, but I'm working on it. At first it was difficult, as there didn't seem to be a lot of positive things to focus on in my world. As time has passed, though, the positives seem to be more obvious, and when they aren't immediately noticed, I've become better at finding them.

It sounds cliche, but I'm full of hope. I have let go of the overwhelming need to control every aspect of every situation, and embrace the unpredictability of life. This allows me to let hope in to my every day experiences. I don't mean hope like "I hope I win the lottery" (although, I wouldn't mind that-if the lottery number pickers are listening)! I mean simply a general, positive feeling that life will work itself out the way it's supposed to if I just work hard and stay focused on the things that are important. I work hard and love fully, embracing the unknown and trust that most things are not catastrophic, so I can manage whatever Life throws at me.

I still have anxiety, I am a work in progress. I do not float through my daily experiences like the Dalai Lama, serene in my faith. I stumble, but I make sure to re-focus on something good and keep moving forward. I put positivity out and get it back from those around me, and that continues the cycle. I try to enjoy the little things. I try to keep it simple. I try to stop and smell the roses. I make sure that when I feel overwhelmed, I look for hope and find the positive in my situation. I keep working and hope that eventually, I won't have to remind myself to look!

Who Am I?

     

       I’ve lost something and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it again. I’ve lost myself. I hear from other Moms that once they have kids, they change and no longer recognize the person they used to be. I get that, kind of a big lifestyle change there. I’m also pushing *ahem* 40, another big deal milestone. I definitely no longer blend in with the college kids in the crowd.

            Here’s my deal, though, I still FEEL like myself. I still want to be that carefree, fun, happy person I was in my 20s. I want to pack up at the spur of the moment and run away for the weekend. I don’t even mean that I want to leave my son, he could come too! I just don’t do it I guess. There are bills to pay and dishes to do, laundry to be folded and meals to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do those either, but the NEED to do them keeps me grounded and at home.

            I don’t mind the responsibilities. I like the routine we have, but I don’t feel fun anymore. I don’t feel happy and free. I am content, I am secure, I am stable. Maybe that’s what I need now, in my 40s, but it’s not who I used to be. I was the free-spirit. I was the one who packed everything in my old Chevy and moved from the Midwest to LA on the spur of the moment. I was going to be a big deal.

            Now I wrestle with the person I was and the person I have become. They are very different. I never wanted to be the person I am now. I never wanted the house with a white picket fence and 2.8 kids and a dog. (No, I don’t know how you have 8/10 of a kid, still working on that one!) I like me, though, but younger me keeps rebelling against older me because she didn’t want that life for herself. But now that I have it, and don’t mind, I feel like I might be betraying that young woman with stars in her eyes and dreams constantly evolving. Know what I dream about now? Magical elves who come in while I’m sleeping and clean my bathroom and dust my cobwebs. Yep, my dreams have evolved from superstardom to housekeeping. Even my fantasies are boring.

            But, is it really boring to take care of the ones you love? I’m not bored when I help my son with his homework. I enjoy watching him learn new things and I love the way his eyes light up when he suddenly gets something he was struggling with. I love picking him up after school and the hug I get when he starts telling me about his day. I love going to the zoo and for a bike ride and watching him play with the other kids in the neighborhood. These things are enough for middle-aged me. Younger me doesn’t like it though, and I can’t get her to shut up. She was always very persistent.

            How are you supposed to reconcile the person you once were with the person you’ve become when they are very, very different? Post-divorce, I’m in the middle of re-inventing myself, and I just don’t know who I am anymore. Am I too old to be having this kind of crisis, or is this the dreaded mid-life crisis I’ve always been convinced I’d never get old enough to have? Should I go out and buy a red Corvette? Should I just embrace my yoga pants and glass of wine while I binge watch the newest season of House of Cards?

            There must be a way to balance that carefree youth with the responsibilities of adulthood. There must be a way to keep part of that dreamer alive as the daily routine of raising a family becomes paramount. There must be a way to stay true to our younger selves while we embrace our maturity. While I figure it out, why don’t you come over with a bottle of wine and I’ll link up the Netflix?