Sadness

It’s confusing when I can’t decide if I hate you or I pity you. I’m sure there’s a bit of love left there, too, but that might just be habit. I can’t stand the person you have become. I find it hard to believe that you hid this part of yourself for 15 years. Maybe you did. Maybe I didn’t notice. Maybe it really is something new. Bitterness is not attractive. I think that’s where this person comes from, but you made the choices you now have to live with. I know you have regret, it’s written all over your face even if you hadn’t spoken it to me.

 

I look into eyes I know as well as my own and see a person that I don’t recognize. Where there used to be pain, and joy, and happiness, and hope, and sadness, all I see now is emptiness and longing. I used to be the one to help. I used to be the person who could fix it. No more. I can’t help if you won’t help yourself. It kills me.

 

You are losing so much. It breaks my heart because I don’t think you realize most of what’s slipping away. You focus on the minute aspects and have lost the big picture. I always knew you were broken, but I thought I could teach you how to mend. Do you enjoy your brokenness? Does it define you? Or was it just too hard to stitch those pieces together to make a complete person? There was no pattern for you to follow, you had to create your own. Someday, I hope with all my heart you have the strength to do it. Someday, before it’s too late. He’s getting so big and you’re missing it all.

He didn't Love me Enough

He loved me. He told me often. He thought I was beautiful. He told me every day. I didn't believe him.

Because he didn't take care of me. Because he didn't sacrifice the way I did for him. Because he refused to give up his desires to help me achieve mine. Because he wouldn't put as much in as he took out.

I sound spoiled. I sound ungrateful. I sound unappreciative.

For years he didn't work. After he promised I could go back to school full-time. So, I had to get a job and juggle it all while he did what he wanted for himself.

He had heart surgery and I took a leave of absence from work to care for him. But I wasn't making enough to pay the bills, so I had to go back and abandoned him.

I had to be home to make dinner at night, so I couldn't afford to take a job that had more hours since I couldn't afford a babysitter. He was home, working on building his business, but I was not supportive. He couldn't raise a child and focus on his dreams.

I went back to school. He lost his job. I worked part-time while I got my degree. He drank in the garage and stayed up all night with his friends. He promised I'd have 2 years to finish my studies. He lied. I finished anyway.

He said he was my partner. As soon as I tried to rely on him, he shut down.

We went to counseling. He walked out. He told me he didn't love me enough to try anymore.

So I left.