Writer's Block

I don't know what to write. For weeks now, I put something on the screen and then slowly back out each letter until I stare at a blank page again. They say the best cure is to just keep writing, so that's what I'll try today. I don't have a set topic. I'm tired of hurt and pain and bitterness. I want something new and fun and exciting. There will be time for that. There is no rush. Focus on healing and new will come when the time is right.

My cat sits next to me. He is purring. Funny how loud it is in the quiet room. He likes to be close, he'd sleep on my head if I'd let him, but he gets repeatedly pushed back down to my legs. I think we're both happier with that position for the endless nights.

I want something. I'm not sure what. There's a gaping in my psyche and I need to fill it. I keep reading. Maybe I'll come across that novel that fills the void, or maybe if I keep writing it will fill up. I don't know. This helps. I just want to feel full again.

For years I spent every day doubting my life. I wouldn't experience it because I knew it was fleeting. Everything was balanced on a wire and at any moment the wire could break and it would all come crashing down. I lived in four different homes and never felt like any of them were permanent. I didn't want to hang pictures or paint walls because I didn't feel like we'd be there for very long. Do you know what it's like to not feel at home in your own home? Maybe that's why I feel lost-the balancing act is over. Life is what is in front of me and the only saboteur is me. The worry is gone...

I don't feel well. I think I'm getting sick. I hope not, but there's definitely something happening in my sinuses and ears. My throat hurts. A good night's sleep should help, and some Alka-Seltzer cold.

It's too cold outside. I wish I was back in LA where it's 75 and sunny. I hate winter. Sometimes I wonder why I felt so strongly about coming back. I knew that I'd have to deal with snow and sub-zero temperatures. Why would I voluntarily subject myself to this?

I'm going to bed now. This has been an interesting experiment-I may have to try it again.