Sadness

It’s confusing when I can’t decide if I hate you or I pity you. I’m sure there’s a bit of love left there, too, but that might just be habit. I can’t stand the person you have become. I find it hard to believe that you hid this part of yourself for 15 years. Maybe you did. Maybe I didn’t notice. Maybe it really is something new. Bitterness is not attractive. I think that’s where this person comes from, but you made the choices you now have to live with. I know you have regret, it’s written all over your face even if you hadn’t spoken it to me.

 

I look into eyes I know as well as my own and see a person that I don’t recognize. Where there used to be pain, and joy, and happiness, and hope, and sadness, all I see now is emptiness and longing. I used to be the one to help. I used to be the person who could fix it. No more. I can’t help if you won’t help yourself. It kills me.

 

You are losing so much. It breaks my heart because I don’t think you realize most of what’s slipping away. You focus on the minute aspects and have lost the big picture. I always knew you were broken, but I thought I could teach you how to mend. Do you enjoy your brokenness? Does it define you? Or was it just too hard to stitch those pieces together to make a complete person? There was no pattern for you to follow, you had to create your own. Someday, I hope with all my heart you have the strength to do it. Someday, before it’s too late. He’s getting so big and you’re missing it all.