I Was Afraid

            I was afraid then, afraid that if I didn’t follow the plan and the path before me I would disappoint someone. I was afraid that not taking that well-traveled road would lead to failure. I was afraid that if I marched to my own drummer that the music would disappear and I would be left lost and alone.

            I was afraid not to try. I was afraid of the regrets I would have if I didn’t spread my wings. I was afraid that I would wither and die in a life dictated for me by someone else. I was afraid that I would never get to know who I really am if I didn’t free myself from the chains of expectation.

            I was afraid that I would starve. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have a place to live. I was afraid that I couldn’t make it on what I had to offer. I chose to turn my back on that piece of me that I loved; that did things that made me afraid. I chose to follow, because following meant I didn’t have to worry about the fear.

            I was afraid that no one else would love me. I was afraid to walk away. I was afraid that I would disappoint someone. I was afraid I would ruin my child’s future. I was afraid that if I stayed, it would be ruined anyway. I was afraid I couldn’t make it on my own. I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough.

            I’m afraid that I’ll make a wrong choice. I’m afraid I still can’t be enough. I’m afraid that I’ve let my son down. I’m afraid I’ve let myself down. But, I’m tired of living in fear. I can’t keep living my life by making choices based on my fears. I am going to fail at some things, but I am going to fly, too. You can’t fly if you don’t jump off the cliff first, but jumping into nothing is terrifying. The key is to jump, but to trust in your wings. Don’t jump just because you’re afraid if you don’t, you might fall off; jump because you know that the view from the air is amazing.

            I’m afraid to move on. I’ve made bad choices and I might do it again. I’ve got someone counting on me this time. Failure is not an option, I’ve been there and I’m not going back. I want to see where this new road leads, but it is dark in the woods and I don’t have a flashlight. The trees are creepy in the dark and it’s scary. No one is ahead of me to lead the way, but the most important person is following me. I can’t lead him astray. I want to turn back, take the other path, the one that has lots of light and many feet have made the road easy to travel, but I am afraid of the fear that waits for me there, the fear that I have missed out on the best vistas because I didn’t take the overgrown path. The one less traveled calls to me.

            I stand here, perched on the cliff, terrified to fall. I am going to jump, but this time I want it to be for the right reasons. I can’t let fear rule my life, it is time to leap and leave the fear where it belongs, right on the edge of the cliff where it can fall into the abyss.