Five Minutes

It took all of 5 minutes to obliterate the validity of 15 years of my life. It took 5 minutes for him to sign the final papers and allow me to submit them and file for divorce. He didn't hesitate over ending our marriage, or the loss of his best friend (that we've addressed each other as for many years). His only hesitation was that by signing without his lawyer present, that I could "screw him over" later if I want to. If there was anything left of my heart, it broke right then and there.

Our relationship stayed the same over the many years we were together, it was me that changed. When we met, we were young, and what I wanted out of life was much different than what I want now. I always put more into the relationship than I got out of it, but it didn't matter until I became a mother. I know from his perspective that's not true, but I also know that my perspective is more closely aligned with what would be considered the "norm". The night I went into labor with our son, my water broke and the doctor arrived about 10pm. Just before midnight, we realized that the umbilical cord was compressed and I had to lie still on the hospital bed to keep the baby's heart rate steady. I couldn't get up and walk around or do any of the usual things they suggest to speed the delivery along. I was terrified. I cried for hours. I prayed that I would get to meet my baby. My husband slept-for almost 10 hours. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted them to wake him up, but I knew he'd just be cranky and make my anxiety worse, so I told them no. I watched them shake their heads and look at me sadly when they thought I wasn't looking.

I spent 4 years trying to convince myself that it wasn't true. I wanted to believe that my husband loved his growing family as much as he said he did. Time and again I saw that it wasn't true, but I ignored it. When I went back to school to give myself a better edge when I returned to the job market, I couldn't ignore it any more. He resented me. My attention was now divided in even smaller bits and he couldn't be my whole world any more. Those last 2 years were the hardest, because I knew it was happening, but the choice was distilled into the simplest terms for me: him or me. I chose my son and our future and watched the unraveling of our marriage and the loss of my best friend. It was excruciating. I thought it couldn't get any worse. Until these last 5 minutes. Because now it's done, the choice is made, and my heart is so broken I don't know if it will ever mend. Up until the last second, I was hoping he'd see what I've hoped for so long-that you have to change and grow or you will decay and wither.