Looking Forward

Since it's the beginning of a new year, it's an appropriate time to think of new beginnings. After the drama of separation and the final steps of finalizing the divorce, I'm ready for a future that doesn't rely on anything except what I have to offer. Even the flu I battled on this New Year's Eve couldn't dampen the feeling of hope that fills me when I think of where I will be in a year, in five, in another fifteen.

I try to stay hopeful through all things. Even until the bitter end of our marriage, I had hope that my husband would finally grasp the things I'd been telling him. Watching his continued slide to the bottom after my departure, I've realized that when you are dealing with someone who is determined to destroy themselves, there is no hope left. So now, I am focusing on hope. Hope that I can build the life for two of us that I had always assumed would include three. Hope that I can heal the broken-ness I feel inside. Hope that someday I won't still feel incomplete after spending almost 15 years with another person to include in decisions and bounce ideas off of. Hope that sleeping alone will become the norm and not feel so unutterably lonely and isolated. Hope that as a single parent I can be all my son needs and more, without the partner I so desperately wanted on this journey. Hope that I can leave the anger and bitterness in the year now behind me so that I can move forward with openness, appreciation and joy.

I feel empowered now. For years I have been cowering in the hold of the Demeter, waiting to see if Dracula will find me, and then once found, how he would choose to use me. When I finally decided to disembark and get off the ship, I finally took control of my life, that is terrifying, but gives me strength at my core. I am in control of what happens to me, no longer am I waiting for the next shoe to drop and unravel all that has been worked for. I don't have to smooth the path for someone unable or unwilling to smooth it for himself. I don't have to deal with the fallout of poor decisions, unless I am the one who makes those decisions.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done, to look forward and not notice where I have been. Forward could mean anything, there's no way to know what it holds. But, then, Forward could mean anything, there's no way to know what it holds! It is up to me and me alone to make it into something positive-an adventure with no end in sight that I get to take and discover what I'm truly made of!